bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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