I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
