I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
