Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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