Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
