im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize