i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
