I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You've changed since you got that strap on
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
