Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Randomize
