I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
