I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
