I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
