WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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