dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
