I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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