you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
