Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
