all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
