What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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