so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
