o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
