We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
