he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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