Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
