I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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