i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
