so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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