dude i'm inner monologue high
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
