Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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