All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
