I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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