My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
