Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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