Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
operation harelip BJ is a go
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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