I must be too annoying 4 u.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
