Betty ford says i'm here all night
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
