He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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