census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You have to summon your inner elephant
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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