I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I cut my penus on the lid.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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