To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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