I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
