I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
birth control should be required to get into college
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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