If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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