Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
