did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
