Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
