I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
