I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
