Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
