Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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