And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
