Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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