If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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