A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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