the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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