So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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