Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
