God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
