so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
