If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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