you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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