so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
