MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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