Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
