He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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