why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
