Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
